More than half of the summer is gone and I have to say, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. The kids have really been enjoying their day camps at the YMCA and so have I. :) It's nice having some time to myself. While the kids are at the Y, I have been visiting some of the young moms in our church. I remember those early days with a newborn and how overwhelming it is to be at home all day taking care of the baby and how desperate I was for some adult interaction during those days! I've also had some good alone time....sometimes running errands, other times cleaning the house.....but I feel most thankful for my moments alone with God. I love that I can have a couple hours of uninterrupted silence to talk to God and allow Him to speak to me.
This summer has been great and challenging as well. It's been great in that I have really been experiencing the Lord's help daily with the kids since they've been out of school for the summer. But it's been challenging because of all the added summer church activities, meetings, Bible studies and gatherings that have all been taking place at my house. It seems like there are always people coming in and out of our house. This is a good thing since my prayer for our home is that it would become a safe place for people and that they would sense the Lord's presence and His peace here. The greatest thing someone said to me while they were at my house was "I'm glad I came today. I feel very much at home here". Praise the Lord. A good lesson for me is to not get caught up in all the things that need to happen around the house (lots of cleaning) when I find out people are coming. I find myself identifying with Martha many times.
We've also gone through some family stuff that created some stress. And all of you who've gone through family issues (who doesn't!?) know things like that can add up sometimes and make you go a little over the edge. But in all this, God has graciously allowed me to get to point where I can look back and confidently say and agree with the words of David in Psalm 119: 68 "You are good, and what You do is good" as well as (v.71) "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees" for (v.72) "The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold". I have gotten to know and experienced God in ways I never would have been able to had He not allowed the circumstances into my life. So I'm thankful for family issues.
Then, we found out recently that Jason will be taking a vision trip around the world in the fall to visit orphanages as a possible future mission field for our church. I've been struggling with fear issues because of this trip. I know people's husbands go on trips all the time and it's really no big deal, but it's a big deal for us because this is the first time Jason will be gone overseas and for so long in all our 9 years of marriage. Being a person that worries easily, I tend to think of worse case scenarios. But, God has been working on me with this and it really boils down to trusting that He is good and that He's exactly who He says He is.
Last week, I was really being attacked with constant thoughts of fear and I felt that I just couldn't take it any more. I was so consumed with my own feelings that I couldn't be excited for Jason, and worse, I felt that my own struggles with fear were keeping me from feeling compassion for the people on the other side of the world who desperately need the love of Jesus. I knew then that these feelings were leading me down a very dangerous path. So, after the kids went to bed, I locked myself in the bedroom, laid on the floor and cried before God. I felt so paralyzed by worry and fear that I couldn't even pray anything other than "Help me, Lord!". I'm not sure how long this lasted, but while I was on the floor, the Lord brought to my attention two things. First, I was reminded that in my greatest time of weakness, the Holy Spirit and Jesus Himself are interceding on my behalf. And that was comforting 'cause I sure didn't know how to pray at that hour! And the second thing He allowed me to see was more of a vision. I could see myself inside a small boat out in a lake in the middle of a storm. The water is violently rocking the boat and winds are raging all around me. Then, I see a hand extended to me. I can't see the person's body or his face but I definitely know whose hand this is. Jesus' hand. In the midst of this crazy storm, there's Jesus' quiet invitation: "You can take my hand if you wish."
God is good. I can't say I have completely rid myself of all fear. I've been asking myself whether total trust means an absence of fear. But I want to trust God wholeheartedly and choose to grab His hand and look into His face instead of focusing on the rocking boat and raging storm. And I want Him to work in me so that regardless of any circumstance in my life, I might still quote the verse above "You are good and what You do is good".
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